Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
