I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
