All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
