Someone shit on the floor
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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