Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
