A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
we should paint friendship bongs
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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