im having a threesome with these popsicles
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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