I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
