new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
