I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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