Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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