if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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