I'm so fucking centered right now
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
