Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just want to make out with him forever
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
