Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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