if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
