thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize