I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
