2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
