Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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