I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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