I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
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