...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
