The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
