My nipple is on Facebook.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
