if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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