dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
