if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
