Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
