God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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