Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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