I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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