Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
