Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
