eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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