hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
