you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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