Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
