I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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