I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
