ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
