From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I will pee on everything he values.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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