i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
