sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
