Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
