He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
