got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
