Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
