i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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