you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
