i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
