That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
