My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
