DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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