I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
