If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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