I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
