Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
