I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
