I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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