guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
