OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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