Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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