life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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