chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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